It was late July of 2011, and we were a few days away from loading up the U-Haul to leave the Big City. Since we were a few days away from moving, and since we wanted to eat at our favorite restaurants one last time, I had ordered takeout from an amazing Latino restaurant in our neighborhood.
I walked to the restaurant in the evening twilight. It was the most perfect time of day. The whole world was bathed in a pink glow of sunset, and the temperature had dropped slightly. People were headed home from work, and life was quieting down. It was a very peaceful and reflective walk.
The streets were very familiar to me; i had spent the past six years in this neighborhood. But when you are about to leave a place, you frequently notice things you passed over before. I noticed each building, each smell, each sound. I wanted to soak everything in and store it up in my mind for good.
It was a very nostalgic walk. I truly love that neighborhood. Nonetheless, it was bittersweet. I was moving away because i wanted to. Actually, i was desparate to move. I had cried and begged and pleaded with God to be able to leave. He graciously and providentially answered my prayer. But in that moment, when everything was pleasant and peaceful, i thought, "Now why exactly do i want to leave this?"
I looked around at all the hundreds of apartment buildings filled with people, and thought, "All these people live here and do fine. What's wrong with me that i can't?"
The other pedestrians with me on the sidewalk, they rode the bus home and stopped at the market for dinner and will walk up multiple flights of stairs to their apartment. How come they do it just fine but it makes me so incredibly cosmic? The problem wasn't with the Big City; it was with me. If i was a stronger person, i could manage all the logistical difficulties of urban life. If i was strong enough, i could stay here in this place i love.
But I'm not strong enough, so i'm leaving. I felt embarrassed. I was leaving with my tail between my legs, white flag raised in surrender.
Then, on our last Sunday at church, all our dear friends prayed over us. After the service, our pastor and good friend Keith said that during the prayer, he kept hearing the words "Mission Accomplished." He was very encouraging, and said that as the Lord was closing one chapter of our lives and opening another, we could take pride in the fact that we had accomplished the work that had been given to us.
Well that was the complete opposite from what i had been feeling. I thought i failed the mission; now you're saying i'm victorious?
I told him my thoughts about leaving in defeat, and he said matter-of-factly, "That's a lie."
In the months that followed, the lie of defeat once again became easy to believe. If we'd just stayed in the Big City for another 15 years until the economy improves, then we wouldn't be having all these issues with our condo.
Now we are back to present-day February 2012. The Professor, BabyGirl, and i made a pilgrimage back to the Big City to visit. It was a wonderful trip. We got to see all our old friends. I saw Clare Adella perform at Pressure, i celebrated at Emily's baby shower, and we went to our old church.
Going back to church again was such a moving experience. People that i'd only casually known were SO HAPPY to see us. It didn't make any sense. It was touching, but it didn't make sense. The people that i had known very deeply were exponentially more happy to see us. It wasn't until i stood in that church service that i truly believed that our mission was accomplished. It finally sank into my heart. I was so joyful to be there worshipping with dear brothers and sisters that i love with all my heart.
Being back again and seeing how warmly we were received finally proved to me that we had given our all to that church. We had engaged it 100%. We had held nothing back. I was at peace with the fact that our work was done. We had served that church for several years. Now we have passed on the torch, and the church is still flourishing.
We have so many beautiful relationships as a result of our time there. For example: when you stay at someone's house for 3 nights, and every single night your BabyGirl wakes up screaming at 3am, and screams so loud that you can hear it a block away, but at the end your hosts hug you tightly and thank you for coming; that's how you know what a true friend is.
Or the fact that another friend gave us her digital converter box. And another friend had multiple friends and family in town but took time out of her busy schedule to meet me for coffee.
As a result of my time in the city, i will always have a heart for urban ministry. It is HARD. Hard in a way that outsiders just can't understand. I will always have a heart for refugees. I will always have a heart for prostitutes and people in slavery. I will always have a heart for school violence. I will always love Polish people, and Indian will always be my favorite ethnic food.
Who knows if our urban life chapter is truly closed, or if we'll find ourselves back there someday. All i know is that i spent the formative years of my adulthood in the Big City, and it has made me who i am. It was a mission that i am forever greatful to have been given. "To God be the glory, great things He hath done!"
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
This World Has Nothing For Me . . .
. . . and this world has everything.
All that i could want, and nothing that i need.
It was a Sunday night, and we were getting ready to go to a new small group for the first time. We've been attending a particular church for a few months, and had been anxious to check out a small group. The leaders of this group had invited us repeatedly, but it took a couple of weeks before we were available. Finally, this week it had worked out.
The Professor said, "I'm just going to get something from downstairs real fast." Except it wasn't real fast. Once down there, he saw that the water heater was leaking. The water had seeped through the wall into the next room. The carpet in a certain area was wet. That area was where we had stacked up lots of books. You see, The Professor really likes books. He has a lot of them. Our condo back in the Big City had these awesome built-in bookshelves (which is one of the reasons we bought the place). (The other reason was the secret kitty passageway.) When we moved to the Kingdom of the Cornstalks, the built-in bookshelves stayed, but the books came with us. We didn't\don't have money to buy new bookshelves, so all the books got stacked up downstairs. In the section with all the water.
So we abandoned our plans for small group and instead began frantically moving all the books so they wouldn't keep getting more and more wet. Our poor landlord had to come over on a Sunday night and pull up the carpet. While we were salvaging soggy books, The Professor said, "Well, i guess we just keep learning to hold loosely to the things of this world."
I myself had the opportunity to learn that lesson the week before.
You've all heard by now the joyous news that we are expecting another baby! Well, the first trimester was extremely rough. Due to the dizziness, motion sickness, nausea, fatigue, and generalized ickiness of those 12 weeks, not a whole lot of housework got done around here. Finally one day i felt halfway human again, and was motivated to whip this place into shape. As is the case with all things cosmic, it was a very all-or-nothing scenario. After several weeks of "nothing", i had swung to the opposite extreme of full-capacity, 100%, go-big-or-go-home "all."
I threw some laundry in the wash and got started on my true love of vacuuming. Some of you have regrettably noticed that i have very lax standards when it comes to the stovetop, but i do place high emphasis on a clean floor. It was the main thing that had been bothering me during my "lay on the couch and moan" first trimester. I started in the kitchen, but had only vacuumed about 1\3 of the kitchen when the vacuum died. Just up and died. I did a limited amount of troubleshooting, to the best of my mechanical ability, but no success. Very disheartening.
"It's okay," I said. "I'll just go rotate the laundry." That would give the vacuum time to reconsider, and maybe after a rest it would be ready to work.
My trip downstairs to the washing machine revealed that it also had problems. The machine had filled up with water and then shut off. I couldn't get it to start again. Now i had a whole load of clothes swimming in a tank full of cold, soapy water.
In that moment, of going 0-for-2 in the Good Housekeeping department, i was overwhelmed. I thought i could redeem myself after 12 weeks' worth of wifely guilt through some hard work, but my efforts were thwarted.
I had learned to let go of our need for curtains. I had let go of my need for a kitchen table. I had let go of my desire for a sewing desk so i could make awesome thrifty clothes for our family.
But how to you hold loosely to a vacuum cleaner?
I must confess i did cry over it. I want to serve my family well, and i want to take good care of The Professor by cleaning his clothes and keeping an orderly house. Things out of my control were preventing me from doing that. It was more than just holding loosely to a vacuum cleaner; it required me to hold loosely to my self-worth.
In this time of scarcity, we're definitely being challenged to put into practice some Bible passages that we've never needed before. Things like:
- Do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'
- The Lord will provide
- My grace is sufficient for you
- Be anxious for nothing
One thing i've really been thinking about is in Matthew 6, Jesus says: "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them." For basically the first time in my life, i have NOTHING stored away in the barn. When the vacuum cleaner dies, i have NOTHING with which to buy a new one. I can only and solely depend on my Father's provision for that day, and that day alone. We are living on manna around here! We have just enough for today, but not enough for tomorrow.
And yet, He is providing. For starters, we have an offer on our condo! After 6 months on the market with minimal activity, the Lord provided an offer. And then, we got another one! Two offers! It's in the bank's hands now, so we will watch and pray. We will wait on the Lord. We will be anxious for nothing.
Well, we will be anxious for nothing . . . for about 5 minutes. And then I'm sure to catch myself being anxious again and have to pray and start over.
This world has nothing.
All that i could want, and nothing that i need.
It was a Sunday night, and we were getting ready to go to a new small group for the first time. We've been attending a particular church for a few months, and had been anxious to check out a small group. The leaders of this group had invited us repeatedly, but it took a couple of weeks before we were available. Finally, this week it had worked out.
The Professor said, "I'm just going to get something from downstairs real fast." Except it wasn't real fast. Once down there, he saw that the water heater was leaking. The water had seeped through the wall into the next room. The carpet in a certain area was wet. That area was where we had stacked up lots of books. You see, The Professor really likes books. He has a lot of them. Our condo back in the Big City had these awesome built-in bookshelves (which is one of the reasons we bought the place). (The other reason was the secret kitty passageway.) When we moved to the Kingdom of the Cornstalks, the built-in bookshelves stayed, but the books came with us. We didn't\don't have money to buy new bookshelves, so all the books got stacked up downstairs. In the section with all the water.
So we abandoned our plans for small group and instead began frantically moving all the books so they wouldn't keep getting more and more wet. Our poor landlord had to come over on a Sunday night and pull up the carpet. While we were salvaging soggy books, The Professor said, "Well, i guess we just keep learning to hold loosely to the things of this world."
I myself had the opportunity to learn that lesson the week before.
You've all heard by now the joyous news that we are expecting another baby! Well, the first trimester was extremely rough. Due to the dizziness, motion sickness, nausea, fatigue, and generalized ickiness of those 12 weeks, not a whole lot of housework got done around here. Finally one day i felt halfway human again, and was motivated to whip this place into shape. As is the case with all things cosmic, it was a very all-or-nothing scenario. After several weeks of "nothing", i had swung to the opposite extreme of full-capacity, 100%, go-big-or-go-home "all."
I threw some laundry in the wash and got started on my true love of vacuuming. Some of you have regrettably noticed that i have very lax standards when it comes to the stovetop, but i do place high emphasis on a clean floor. It was the main thing that had been bothering me during my "lay on the couch and moan" first trimester. I started in the kitchen, but had only vacuumed about 1\3 of the kitchen when the vacuum died. Just up and died. I did a limited amount of troubleshooting, to the best of my mechanical ability, but no success. Very disheartening.
"It's okay," I said. "I'll just go rotate the laundry." That would give the vacuum time to reconsider, and maybe after a rest it would be ready to work.
My trip downstairs to the washing machine revealed that it also had problems. The machine had filled up with water and then shut off. I couldn't get it to start again. Now i had a whole load of clothes swimming in a tank full of cold, soapy water.
In that moment, of going 0-for-2 in the Good Housekeeping department, i was overwhelmed. I thought i could redeem myself after 12 weeks' worth of wifely guilt through some hard work, but my efforts were thwarted.
I had learned to let go of our need for curtains. I had let go of my need for a kitchen table. I had let go of my desire for a sewing desk so i could make awesome thrifty clothes for our family.
But how to you hold loosely to a vacuum cleaner?
I must confess i did cry over it. I want to serve my family well, and i want to take good care of The Professor by cleaning his clothes and keeping an orderly house. Things out of my control were preventing me from doing that. It was more than just holding loosely to a vacuum cleaner; it required me to hold loosely to my self-worth.
In this time of scarcity, we're definitely being challenged to put into practice some Bible passages that we've never needed before. Things like:
- Do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'
- The Lord will provide
- My grace is sufficient for you
- Be anxious for nothing
One thing i've really been thinking about is in Matthew 6, Jesus says: "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them." For basically the first time in my life, i have NOTHING stored away in the barn. When the vacuum cleaner dies, i have NOTHING with which to buy a new one. I can only and solely depend on my Father's provision for that day, and that day alone. We are living on manna around here! We have just enough for today, but not enough for tomorrow.
And yet, He is providing. For starters, we have an offer on our condo! After 6 months on the market with minimal activity, the Lord provided an offer. And then, we got another one! Two offers! It's in the bank's hands now, so we will watch and pray. We will wait on the Lord. We will be anxious for nothing.
Well, we will be anxious for nothing . . . for about 5 minutes. And then I'm sure to catch myself being anxious again and have to pray and start over.
This world has nothing.
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