Normal Day

The things that i currently NEED to be doing:

• Packing for my trip tomorrow
• Setting out the BabyGirl's food for tomorrow
• Washing a mountain of dishes

The things that i currently WANT to be doing:

• Play Zoo Tycoon
• Play Zoo Tycoon
• Play Zoo Tycoon

Writing a blog post seems like a good alternative.  It is more productive than playing Zoo Tycoon, but not as important as the bonafide tasks, so it's the perfect balance of indulgence and industry.  I've had a very emotional week.  I've had a very emotional day.  Writing helps me unwind, but right now i don't know what to say.  You know?  Writing feels good, but i don't know what to write.

My Granddaddy, who is now with Jesus, was a man that i greatly admire.  He loved the Lord with an undivided heart.  He used to talk about what he called "pivotal moments."  Pivotal moments are those times in life when you face a challenge that defines who you will become.  When you have to choose the wide or the narrow.  As Robert Frost put it, when two roads diverge in a yellow wood. 

It's like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book.  Decisions you make in Chapter One determine which course you follow, and whether you live or die on the last page.  I read a C.S. Lewis book years ago and remember a sentence that said that the devil wants us always thinking about the past or the future, but never the present.

That's me.  Always the past, always the future.  Being angry over the circumstances of April 2010.  Being worried about the upcoming school year.  Letting the pain of yesterday and anxiety about tomorrow taint the joy of today.

Today i have a roof over my head.  Today i have enough food to eat.  Today my bills are paid.  Today there was sunshine (it only lasted for about 45 minutes but it was sunshine nonetheless).  Today i had giggles and smiles and snuggles.  Today i have love.

Today i was shown tremendous grace by two extraordinary friends.  Today a friend said to me, "I believe that God loves us relentlessly, therefore I'm going to love you relentlessly until you turn to Him."  Another friend also showed me great love by saying, "I forgive you" to the many wrongs I've committed against her.

I feel like those two conversations were pivotal in my journey.  We won't know for certain until I'm 80 years old.  My huge fear is that my current trajectory will cause me to be an old woman who is bitter, defeated, and isolated.  Hopefully today's events opened the door just enough to let a tiny ray of light through.  If i follow that light, I can become an old woman whose life is filled with grace, love, and peace.

I've had a song in my head today.  I'm embarrassed to tell you what it is, because it's not as deep and insightful as you would hope for.  But it's the foolish things that shame the wise, so here we go.  From that great philosopher Bob Marley, i give you:

"Don't worry
about a thing
cause every little thing
gonna be alright!"

(listen to it here)