The Greatest of These

The following is an entry written by The Professor.  It's a great deal more meaty than the usual babble we have around here.  So, put on your thinking caps, and i hope you enjoy!

It’s been a while since I have written much poetry. There was a time when I wrote a fair bit; I even took a course on contemporary American poetry in college. I still write some, but only on the (rare) occasions when 1) I am in a particular type of reflective mood, and 2) I have a good chunk of free time.

These two conditions were met one evening this past May. At that time, I did not have a full-time job, and it seemed like I would not have one for at least another year, if not more. There were many things about our situation then that made life extremely difficult. Reflecting on the long-gone past, the all-consuming present, and the ever-elusive future, I wrote the following:

Joys of the past passed too quickly

Pain perseveres in perpetual perdition

All that has failed is ever with me

All that is unfulfilled is ever before me

The future is not what it once was

Can it be restored? rescued? ransomed? redeemed?

---------------------- Deep longing.

Can slender faith salvage hope?

And what of the greatest of these?

I still remember some of the exact feelings and thoughts I had as I wrote some of these phrases and lines. Much of what I felt was quite hopeful, despite the general bleakness of the words. Many of the lessons I have learned in the last few years could perhaps be explained in reference to C.S. Lewis’ ideas concerning the relationship between joy and longing. That discussion, however, belongs to a different post that will probably never be written.

A few days ago I came across the sheet of paper on which I wrote this poem, and I saw that I also jotted down this line:

Today is torture when tomorrow is taken away.

It was this core idea that stood behind all of my reflections and writing that night. It would be hard to overestimate the extent to which our present situation is impacted and shaped by the past. Still, I believe that this impact is eclipsed by the influence of our view of the future.

Before I married my beautiful, talented, and loving bride, my father-in-law gave me some wise and practical advice. One of his suggestions was that relationships thrive when there is something to look forward to. It made sense at the time. Now I know the truth of it. I have had times where there were a great number of wonderful things to look forward to. And now I have also lived through a season where I saw nothing positive on the horizon; our hopes and dreams seemed to have been indefinitely postponed, if not cancelled altogether, leaving us in a situation that was simply unsustainable. And in that time – where hope has fled, where tomorrow holds no promise, where there are constant thoughts about how differently things “should” have gone – there is very little love.

Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13)

I have enough knowledge to maintain my Christian faith. Faith, or trust, should be based on strong evidence, even though that evidence does not amount to a deductive proof. Hope, however, is a different kind of thing. The two are related, to be sure, but they are not the same. I believe genuine and deep hope must be built upon faith, and yet true hope requires more than trusting that certain facts and promises are true.

Love, the greatest of all that remains in the end of all things, is likewise related to faith and hope and yet goes beyond them. Of course there can be some forms of love present without faith and hope (see Lewis’ The Four Loves or Kierkegaard’s Works of Love), just as there can be various hopes without faith – but they will not hold. Such love without hope and without faith will provide only the poorest imitation of true love. It will prove too flimsy, too shallow, too weak to support the weight of one’s existence in the long run.

As I look through the Bible to see what it says about hope, I feel shame for many of my feelings and doubts from the previous season in my life (although I also look to Israelites in Exodus, the Psalms, and the disciples in the Gospels and know that I am not alone in this). I am grateful for divine patience, and for opportunity to have hope reestablished. I feel as if tomorrow has been restored to me; it has been rescued, ransomed, and redeemed. There are things to look forward to; and that kind of hope is required for relationships to flourish.

So, God has provided me a few positive changes in my situation that has restored my hope in regard to the next year and the next five years. That grace has allowed me to remember the hope – the true and ultimate hope – that was never taken away from me. And now that hope has been added alongside faith, love has once more been able to inform my thoughts and my existence. Faith is a great anchor and stabilizing presence. Hope is joyous and life-giving. But let me tell you, love is the greatest of these.

  

We Gon' Rock This House

I'm officially hosting Thanksgiving!!!

This is very exciting for me, and a lot of pressure.  There are so many amazing culinary matriarchs in my family who generally refuse to relinquish the Thanksgiving reins, and that's why i had to reach the responsible age of 30 before they let me give it a go.

Actually, they let my sister Kay be in charge two years ago, and she was much younger than 30.  So i'm not sure what that says about my skillz.

The truth of the matter is that i'm always the one coming from out of town.  It's not very time efficient for the person who arrives at Granny's house at 12 noon on Thanksgiving Day after being in a car for 48 hours to also have the task of cooking the meal.  But finally, at long last, and THANK YOU JESUS, we're having Thanksgiving at my house.  Because i finally have a house!  Only a small portion of the clan is coming, so it's the perfect size group for my maiden voyage.  However, we will definitely miss the ones who will be celebrating elsewhere.

In typical cosmic fashion, i have built this thing up in my mind so much that it has become a major event.  Even President Obama himself does not get wined-and-dined as well as i plan to wine-and-dine my guests.  My dad tried to supply me with some menu suggestions, and i told him, "Ooooohhh no, buddy.  Back off the menu.  This is MY game."

I love menu planning.  I basically haven't slept since i found out that they're coming.  I lie in bed at 3am thinking about brining, basting, roasting, trimming.  Should we have sweet potato casserole with pecans, or marshmallows?  Should we have roasted potatoes, or mashed potatoes?  I can't wait!

But it always seems to come down to the grim reality that i am not a multi-tasker.  Cannot do it.  I'm a procrastinator as well.  And a perfectionist.  So it's nigh unto impossible for a procrastinating, non-multi-tasking perfectionist to ever bring her dreams into existence.

I'm determined to do it, though.  I'm going to print out an 8x10 headshot of Emily Chastain and hang it up in my kitchen for inspiration.  And next to that, i'll put an 8x10 of Martha Stewart.  Those 2 women are symbols of efficiency, productivity, and greatness.  Together, we gon' rock this house!

I've come up with a preliminary list of activities i'd like to do while they are here.  It includes:

-Lord of the Rings marathon
-Settlers of Catan championship
-Wii sports tournament
-Yahtzee competition
-Touch football in the park across the street
-Looking at the cute shops downtown
-Going to see the Muppet movie
-Various craft projects with my Mother
-Shopping at several children's consignments
-Long talks with my dad about literature

We can do all that in 3 days, right?  And also cook\eat a massive Thanksgiving feast?

Oh yeah, this Thanksgiving is going to be great!

House Projects

When we first moved here, we were Highly Motivated Unpackers.  Of course, everyone is highly motivated to find their underwear, coffeemaker, and bedsheets.  But after a few weeks of hard-core unpacking, we took a little break.  We were in a new town, and we needed to explore and have fun.  Well, that little break lasted for quite a while, and we lost sight of our goal.  Fortunately, we've had some houseguests recently, and that has forced us to get back on track.  This past weekend we hosted cousin Keith and his daughter Lexi as they came to check out University of Iowa as a possible school for her next year.  This coming weekend we have some VIP guests visiting, so we have to get crackin'!

Here are some things we've done recently:

Our front door proudly displays this fall wreath that i snatched up at a garage sale down the street.  The mailman derives the most benefit from this seasonal decoration, since he comes to our front door on a daily basis.

Cooler weather means it's time for layers, so The Professor hung our coat racks by the kitchen door.

This is the view from the kitchen sink window.  I stand at the kitchen sink approximately 32 hours a day washing dishes.  We've had a gusty fall here so far, so i tied some ribbons to our little tree and have enjoyed watching them dance in the wind. 

The Professor and the BabyGirl invite you to come over anytime for a visit!

 

We Did It!

Thank you Lord, we did it!

We survived a week without buying groceries.  I'm so proud of us!  The Professor ate some things he never would have eaten otherwise, and did it like a champ.  He definitely stepped up to the plate (Ha!).  I also ate some things i never would have eaten before, but on the other end of the spectrum.  I ate some really nasty processed foods. 

The funny thing is, at the end of the week i felt really good physically.  Like, eerily good.  So there is definitely something that i eat regularly that was affecting me more than i gave it credit.  My first hypothesis is milk.  I've been lactose intolerant for several years, and as a result i use Lactaid milk.  But Lactaid milk costs way more than either rice, flax, or coconut milk.  I decided to give it up and just drink the same milk as the BabyGirl.  After a week without milk, i feel awesome.  Apparently my dairy intolerance involves more than just the lactose.

I'm about to break my own rule and talk about recipes.  Usually, i firmly believe that i should leave the food blogging to the food-bloggers.  My true love is storytelling, so this is a storytelling blog.  And the two shouldn't mix.  But i'm quite proud of the meals that i was able to pull out of my hat this week, and i want to document it for posterity.  One day The Professor and i will be 80 years old and toothless, and we'll be sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch of our assisted living facility, and he'll ask, "Remember that time when you wouldn't let us have any groceries?  What were the crazy things that we ate that week?"  Naturally i won't be able to remember, so we'll come here to find out.  So you can quit reading now if you want to, it gets pretty boring from here.  The rest of this post is purely a documentary.  I don't have pictures of any of my createions because i didn't know at the time that i would be blogging about it, so I have collected some visual aids from the internet.

Sunday Night: Grilling Night!  We grilled some hamburgers that we had in the freezer plus potatoes and a pineapple.  It was a big batch of potatoes, and provided some good leftovers.

Monday Night:  Hmm, now i can't quite remember.  The BabyGirl's gym class is on Monday nights, so our dinners are always kind of weird anyway.  I think The Professor had a frozen pizza, i had leftover soup, and the BabyGirl had something. 

Tuesday Night:  Sketti!  We eat sketti a lot, so this one wasn't that impressive.  I had sauteed spinach as a side.


Wednesday Night: By far the most impressive, and also the most disgusting.  I made a very ingenious Macaroni Hack.  We had a box of Kraft Cheddar Explosion Macaroni that had expired in 2010.  I kid you not, we ate that sucker!  I don't know if the reason that it was disgusting is because it's box macaroni, which is inherently icky, or if it was a year expired.  The noodles were the most pale noodles i've ever seen.  They looked like those creepy fish that live in the deep part of the ocean without any light.  They'd had every semblance of wheat processed out of them.  I added a ton of stuff to this Cheesy Noodle Dish: green peas, lentils, garlic, onions, paprika, and fish sticks.  We had exactly 5 fish sticks in the freezer, so i cut them up into little bites and mixed them in.  It was unfortunate that my dish was so gross, because i put so much effort into it.  My personal theory, and you can never tell The Professor that i admitted this, is that it had too much garlic.  On any other occasion, i will swear up and down that there is no such thing as "too much garlic".  I LOVE garlic, and put it in everything.  The Professor doesn't like it, and complains that i put it in everything.  Part of my strategy was to cover up the nasty taste of expired powder cheese substance by using lots of garlic.  Lesson learned: powder cheese substance does not pair well with garlic.

Thursday Night:  French Toast.  My defeat from the night before took the wind out of my sails, and i was hesitant to use so many ingredients on something that would be a total flop.  The BabyGirl and i also had leftover acorn squash as a side.

Friday Night:  Takeout!  For free!  It was beautiful.  We had a coupon for a free small pizza from Papa John's and a free small pizza from Casey's General Store.  The BabyGirl and i split a peach as a side.  You might remember that the BabyGirl is allergic to milk, and i am lactose intolerant, but times were desperate and free is free.  We ate that pizza happily.  Well, happily at first.  Fifteen minutes later, i felt TERRIBLE.  All of a sudden free pizza didn't sound like such a good idea anymore.  I felt sick and grouchy and I turned into Cruella DeVille.  We also had our Celebration Cake, pictured above.  It was compliments of a cake mix i found in the pantry that had expired in April.  It tasted so great, you'd never know.

Saturday Night:  A triumph!  My most successful meal of the week.  The Professor even said that he would eat it again (whoa).  I made Black Bean and Tuna B.F.G. (which stands for Big Fat Globs).  They were supposed to be Black Bean Burgers.  Or at the very least, Black Bean Cakes or Black Bean Patties or something of that nature.  But for some reason my meatless burgers always turn into big fat globs of mess.  Somehow it worked though, and was delicious!  I added some canned tuna to the black bean BFG's, which i thought would be a total mistake, but it tasted great.  I'd been hoarding that can of tuna all week long, waiting for the opportune moment.  Fortunately the BFG's were so satisfying from a texture standpoint that The Professor was willing to overlook some of the taste.


We are definitely looking forward to our next grocery shopping venture.  I'm desparate for some fresh veggies and The Professor is desparate for some meat.  I'm sure next week will hold its own challenges, but for now we are happy to have survived this week!

Strict Budget Week 1: Major FAIL

I recently told you about our new budget.  It's quite a challenge.  A very depressing challenge, but also an exhilarating one at the same time.  I was upset about it at first, but now my competitive side has kicked in and I'm ready to do this thing.  Bring it.

So as i said, we have $300 that has to last the whole month, and includes every single purchase.  I've been doing a lot of research on the internet about frugal living, and i found a mom-blog about "100 Days of Real Food on a Budget."  This woman took a challenge to buy organic, healthy, whole foods for her family of 4 on a budget of $125 per week.  (Unfortunately i don't have time right now to track down the link to her blog for you, but i'm sure you could google it if you are interested.)

She had $125 per week, i have $75.  Her budget didn't include household items like diapers, toilet paper, paper towels, etc.  Mine does.  But then again she was buying organic food, whereas i am not.

The Professor and i know that we cannot make it through this season without the sheer grace of God.  We believe that God brought us here, so we have to believe that He will provide for us.  Like the Israelites, He didn't lead us out of Egypt just to starve in the desert.

Already we have seen answers to prayer.  One night i prayed, "God, whatever the heck you do or don't do about me, please PLEASE provide for my BabyGirl."  The next day i was getting the BabyGirl dressed to go to Toddler Story Time at the library, and her jeans, which were pretty tight a few days before, now didn't fit at all.  I don't have any jeans in the next size for her.  Those jeans were it.  I thought, "Well, praise the Lord we have several pairs of fleece sweatpants that Granny sent; she'll just have to wear those all the time."

Wouldn't you know, THAT VERY AFTERNOON Granny called me from Old Navy.  Said she was looking at boots and wanted to know the BabyGirl's size.  "Oh, and they have some jeans here too, does she need jeans?"  I immediately got teary-eyed with gratitude.  God was providing for my BabyGirl.

Due to the aforementioned auto repair costs that ate up all our money, i had resolved not to buy any groceries this week.  Nope, not going to do it.  We would live off of whatever we had in our freezer and pantry.  Fortunately i had a good amount of leftovers in the fridge, so it wasn't an impossible mission.  And i'll tell you, if i was the kind of person who took pictures of their meals and blogged about it, we could all have quite a laugh because i have made some pretty dang creative meals this week.  You would be amazed at what you can do when you have to.  Also, you would be amazed at how outdated some of the things in your pantry are.

The one exception to the no-purchases-for-a-week rule was the BabyGirl's rice milk.  She has to have it, and i didn't have enough on hand to last all week.  So after Toddler Story Time at the library, we stopped by the store to buy three jugs of rice milk.  We were really rushing to get home in time to feed her lunch and put her down for a nap before she turned into an ogre.  We zoomed home, and i saw that the trash collection had come, so my garbage can and recycling bin were strewn all over the place.  I wanted to go ahead and bring them in, but i can't carry the can\bin and the BabyGirl at the same time.  I decided to leave her in the car in the garage for a minute so i could bring in the garbage can, then run back and bring in the recycling bin.  It took about 45 seconds, but when i returned to the BabyGirl, she was crying because she'd been left all alone in the [creepy spider-infested] garage.  I comforted her, assured her that i didn't leave for good, and took her inside for lunch.

The next morning as i was brushing my teeth, i realized that when we had gotten home i never got the milk out of the car.  It was still in my trunk at that very minute.  I was sooooo devastated.  It was such a costly mistake.  I could not believe that i had been such an idiot, and completely wasted THREE ENTIRE JUGS of milk.  That milk was the only thing i was allowed to buy for the whole week, and it was gone.  When money is so tight that every ounce of milk matters, the loss of three jugs is significant.  I was so mad because it was my own stupidity, and there was no excuse for it.

So i had to put my tail between my legs and go right back to the store to buy milk for a second time.  And where do i buy rice milk?  At Walmart, of all places.  A store the size of an entire African village.  The worst place to quickly run in for 1 thing.  The milk is on the back wall, which is a football field's length from the front door.  We had to battle the Evil Aisle Blockers of America to get to the farthest corner of the store to obtain our milk.  And then, wouldn't you know i had to get in line with the exact same cashier as yesterday?  It was so humiliating.  I tried to avoid eye contact so that he wouldn't recognize me.  But the BabyGirl loves to push the buttons on the credit card machine, and when you press zero repeatedly it makes a very satisfying beeping sound, which she then imitates.  Yesterday when we bought milk, she pressed buttons and made beeping noises while he very neatly bagged up our milk and put it in my cart for me.  Again today, she made beeping noises while he neatly bagged up the milk and put it in the cart.  Unfortunately, i'm pretty sure he remembered us and our beeping.

I drove home with the milk in my lap so that i wouldn't forget it this time. =]

 

Neither Snow, Nor Rain, Nor Gloom of Night

One day last week, the BabyGirl forced me to take her on a walk.

We were playing outside, which is her #1 all-time favorite thing to do.  We hadn't been out there very long when she went in the garage and started pulling at the stroller.  Just the day before we'd had a playdate at a potential friend's house, and they had a little doll stroller that the BabyGirl LOVED.  She pushed that doll stroller all over their house.  So when she was yanking at the stroller, i thought she wanted to push it around.  Granted, it is much more difficult for her to maneuver than a doll stroller, but she doesn't always think these kinds of things through.

I put the stroller out on the driveway for her to push around.  She played with it for about 0.5 seconds and then started emphatically motioning toward the seat of the stroller.  I said to her incredulously, "You want to get IN the stroller?"

The reason that i was incredulous is because we were currently playing outside.  Usually, nothing trumps playing outside.  I have never in her short little life seen her want to do anything else while she is playing outside.  Playing outside is Optimus Prime, and nothing in the world matters while you are playing outside.  Not mealtime, not naptime, not diaper changes, not thunderstorms, nothing.  She will play outside regardless of the weather.  I had a hard time believing that she wanted to get in the stroller.

Nonetheless, she ceased her whining when i posed her the question, so as a test i put her in the stroller, fully believing she would be very unhappy once she was in there.

She was not unhappy.

I thought to myself, "Great!  I have a couple of things to do around the yard, and with you contained in the stroller i can actually do them."  I pushed her over to a corner of the yard and started picking up some debris.  She then began fussing and vehemently motioning to the back of the stroller.  I said, "I knew it!  You don't actually want to be in the stroller; you want to push it around."

I started unfastening the straps in order to take her out of the stroller; major protesting ensued.  She was still pointing behind the stroller.  I said (incredulously once again), "You want me to push you in the stroller?"

Finally, after this long game of charades, it dawned on me that she must want to go for a walk.  I asked, "Walk???  You want to go for a walk?"

She exploded into happiness, smiled from ear to ear, and said, "Wok!"

I said, "Um, okay i guess.  But i need to get my phone first."  I ran inside to grab my phone and then we departed on our walk.  About 2 minutes into it, i realized that i needed to go to the bathroom and if i'd been in charge, i also would have worn different shoes.  The BabyGirl, however, had it made in the shade.  She was relaxing in the comfort and convenience of the stroller, enjoying the blue sky and fresh air while leaving all the physical work to me.  How sweet.

Yesterday she was at it again.  It was late afternoon, and i was washing dishes.  She put on her shoes, brought me her jacket, and said, "Outside!?!"  It was veiled as a question but she intended it as more of a demand.  The problem was that it was really cold outside.  The jacket she had brought me wasn't going to cut it.  I had not yet unpacked my winter outerwear.  Somewhere in the deep recesses of the basement were boxes of stuff we hadn't gotten to yet, and my scarf\gloves\hat were in one of those boxes.  I acquiesced to her request anyway, and bundled up the best i could, although it definitely wasn't sufficient.  She had a brand new winter coat that had just arrived from Granny, so she was appropriately dressed and had nothing to worry about.

We went outside, and it was very unpleasant.  Gray.  Overcast.  Cold.  Not a soul was out there.  Usually there are people out walking their dogs, and kids playing in their yards, but today the world was deserted.  I said to her, "Don't you see how ridiculous this is?  No one else is out here!"

She giggled and said with satisfaction, "Outside!"

Her facial expression seemed to say, "You were born in Georgia, so we all know that you are a pansy, but i was born in the Frozen Tundra, and this weather is nothing to me."

She took off running down the sidewalk.  Usually she only goes to a certain point and then stops and turns around, but this time she ran all the way down the block.  When we reached the intersection, she turned left and kept going.  We were now in front of our backyard-neighbor's house.  Does that make sense?  The house whose backyard borders mine.  Our backyard-neighbors have a beautiful garden.  These people are real professionals.  I've seen the house's inhabitants from a distance, but we hadn't met yet.  It appeared to be an elderly lady and her grown daughter.

Well wouldn't you know, as we were running past their house, the elderly lady came out the front door!  She was headed out for a walk too.  We finally got the chance to meet each other.  She was very friendly, and said that she enjoyed seeing the BabyGirl play outside.  She said that we could come over anytime, and when the weather is nice the BabyGirl should come play in her yard.

The nice lady set out for her walk, and we turned around to run back towards our house.  The BabyGirl and i continued to play outside for a while, until i was so cold that i couldn't take it anymore.  I dragged her into the house kicking and screaming.  Her cheeks were rudolf-red, her eyes were watering from the cold, and her nose was running, yet she still wanted to stay outside.  She put up a fight as i took of her coat, and she put up a fight as i took of her shoes.

We had been inside for a few minutes when the doorbell rang.  It was the Backyard Neighbor!  She said, "I was wondering if you and your Little One would like to come over and pick some flowers."  Of course we did!  I told the BabyGirl that her wish had been granted, we are going back outside.  We put our shoes and coats back on and jaunted across the backyard.

The Backyard Neighbor had already picked a handful of flowers to give to me, and indicated which area the BabyGirl was allowed to pick from.  Most of them were sad little flowers, who, having already offered their glory to the world, were preparing to succumb to the colder temperatures.  Then the Backyard Neighbor asked if i would like some mint.  My heart stopped in my chest.  Mint?  Did she say mint?

"Oh yes, i have scads of it! I'll never get rid of it before winter."  She handed me an armful.

You don't know this, but her mint was an enormous answer to prayer.  Yes, something as simple as fresh mint was God's gift directly to my heart.  I only hoped i could make it back home before i bawled my eyes out in wonder and amazement.

The part of the story that i haven't told you yet is that our finances have taken a turn for the dire.  Moving from the Big City to the Kingdom of the Cornstalks was costly, and it used up the majority of our emergency fund.  The first two months that we were here, The Professor only got half a paycheck.  And we are still paying the utilities and assessments for our old condo. 

Even now that The Professor is finally getting paid the full amount, we only have $300 per month for all household expenses.  That's $300 for the whole month, that has to be used on everything from toilet paper to groceries to diapers.  Earlier this month, both of our cars broke down, and i'll tell you that the bill was well more than $300.  So suffice it to say that we're broke, and we can't afford most things.

The Professor came across this prayer about relinquishing worldly possessions from A.W. Toser, which has been very meaningful to us:

Father, i want to know Thee, but my coward heart fears to give up its toys.  I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and i do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting.  I come trembling, but i do come.  Please root from my heart all those things which i have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival.  Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious.  Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there.  In Jesus' Name, Amen.
(The Pursuit of God)

Slowly, and painfully, i am learning to surrender my "wants" to Him.  When an item comes to mind that i absolutely don't have the money for, i have to surrender that item to Him.  Halloween costumes?  Don't have the money for it; give it to the Lord.  Candy to hand out to trick-or-treaters?  Don't have the money for it; give it to the Lord.  Coffee?  Give it to the Lord.  Sunday dress shoes for the BabyGirl?  Give it to the Lord.

And just that day, i had surrendered mint to the Lord.  There was this recipe going around pinterest for a lemonade with fresh mint that i'd been just dying to make.  But fresh herbs are expensive here, and it was too frivolous.  We can't waste money on stuff like that, so i had to give it to the Lord, but He gave it back!  He used the BabyGirl to get me outside so that i could meet my neighbor, who gave me her mint.

It was such a small gift in the grand scheme of things, but it brought me so much encouragement.  It called to mind this verse:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

Romans 8:38-39, NIV

The BabyGirl refuses to let anything separate her from the outside, and our Father refuses to let anything separate us from His love.

Garden Hose Happiness

It's been pretty funny to watch 2 city folks move to the Kingdom of Cornstalks and assume responsibility for a house/yard.  For example, we completely killed the lawn within 2 weeks of living here.  If you looked up and down our street, you saw green grass after green grass, until you saw our lawn, which was completely brown and dead.  Poor grass.

I love plants, and i love the look of nicely maintained gardens, but i have no skills or knowledge whatsoever.  I wanted to plunge full-force into Advanced Level Yard Care, but the reality is that i need to start out with baby steps.  As proof, i'll tell you the story of the garden hose.

We had lived here a week and it was time to mow the grass.  We turned it into a family affair.  While The Professor did the mowing, i decided to water all the plants, and we put the BabyGirl in her stroller outside to watch us at work.  Our house came supplied with a garden hose on one of those roll-y cart things.  The hose looked very unkempt.  It was rolled on the roll-y cart, but not neatly.  It was twisted and dirty and a big fat mess.  I was very displeased by this.  I'm living the suburban dream here, and i want my yard supplies to look good.  Let's be honest, i want my house to look like Martha Stewart's own personal residence.  I considered it a sign of poor character to have a messy garden hose.  Of course any self-respecting, well-raised, hard-working person would not leave their possessions in such disarray.  I set about to rectifying it.

Well, within 15 seconds i saw the truth of the matter: garden hoses have a mind of their own, and they will not be tamed.  We got into such a fight, me and that hose.  I unrolled the whole thing so i could straighten it and and get it untwisted, as the first step of the Hose Improvement Process.  Then i connected it to the spigot and turned it on, to find out that the hose had 100 leaks in it.  Water sprayed EVERYWHERE.  I could have invited all the neighborhood kids to put on their bathing suits and come over for a good time, because it looked like this:

The trouble was, i was not appropriately dressed to get soaking wet, because i had not intended to get soaking wet. So there i was, muddy and cranky, and i conceded defeat.  I said to the garden hose what its previous guardian must have said, "You win, garden hose.  You can be as muddy and as twisted as you want."

Thankfully, The Professor bought me a new garden hose, and we became fast friends.  The new hose helped me out of a hard time.  The new hose is shiny, clean, perfectly wound, and eager to do your bidding.

A few days ago, the BabyGirl threw up in her crib, as a result of some medical issues she has developed recently.  And we're not talking baby spit up.  We're talking real, bona fide, human being vomit (bless her heart).  It was disgusting.  At the time i didn't know if it was routine vomit, or infectious vomit.  I immediately warped into Mommy the Destroyer, and initiated Level 1 Virus Containment Protocol.  All affected linens had to be quarantined and properly disinfected.

Now, in my old life when i lived in the city, it was a major pain and almost impossible to adequately deal with infectious vomit crib sheets.  Because when you live in the city, you have to rinse out the vomit-sheets in your kitchen sink.  It's so gross.  First you have to clear out everything within a 5 foot radius of the sink, to prevent contamination.  After you finish, you majorly scrub down the sink to make sure you killed all the puke germs.  But for a few days afterwards, you still can't help but picturing vomit in your head while you are washing dishes in that sink.

Here, though, it's so beautiful.  I could wash vomit-sheets everyday.  I took them outside to rinse them out.  And in the beauty of the outdoors with a nice crisp fall breeze, that atrocious vomit scent simply wafted away, rather than lingering in my kitchen.  I hung the sheets, along with the clothes she was wearing at the time, on our neighbor's fence, and sprayed them down with my friendly new garden hose.  After they were thoroughly rinsed, i sprayed the heck out of everything with vinegar (my sister got me hooked on vinegar recently because you can use it for EVERYTHING.  It even claims to cure the common cold.).  I left the clothes and sheets outside to dry in the sunshine, which is a huge antimicrobial bonus.  I gave a huge fresh-air sigh of satisfaction.  I love that garden hose.

It's true; He really is making all things new.

 

New Name for The BabyGirl

Leading up to the BabyGirl's 1-yr birthday back in April, I knew that i was going to have to get a new name for her.  Once she turned one, she technically wasn't a BabyGirl anymore.  But i wanted her to keep on being my baby, so we still called her BabyGirl.

And the truth is, "BabyGirl" isn't just what we call her on this blog; we call her BabyGirl all the time.  For the first few months of her life, we hardly ever called her by her name.  Which is funny, that you spend so much time and effort to pick out just the right name for your little lady, and then you don't even use the name you worked so hard for.  After a while we decided that we should call her by her name every now and then so she would know what her name is.

It seems that the age group from 12 months to 18 months is kind of an abyss.  The child is no longer a baby, but isn't yet a toddler, so they are more of a "twoddler" (haha! like "tween", except for babies).  Babywise calls it the "pre-toddler" phase, which is a good description.  And it allowed me to keep having a BabyGirl, because she wasn't a toddler yet.

Well, now she is 17 months old.  In a month she will be a bona fide toddler, and then we'll have to get serious about finding a new name for her.  "ToddlerGirl" just doesn't have the same ring to it.  I suppose that i could keep calling her BabyGirl, but we would all understand amongst ourselves that it's only a pretense. 

She has a ton of other nicknames besides BabyGirl, such as BabyCakes, SweetieCakes, HoneyCakes, BabyMuffins, and MuffinPie.  Wow, it sounds like all we think about is dessert!  None of those nicknames sound right for a blog code name, though.  I've been thinking about it off and on for several months, and i just can't come up with anything.  "PreciousLittleGirlWhoIsn'taBabyAnymore" takes way too long to type.  Any suggestions?
 

Doing Work That Matters

I had not been working in the ICU very long, so it was very generous of the other nurses to let me be assigned to the fresh trauma patient.  We all fight over fresh traumas, and this was a good one.  It was unusual in that the guy had a very extensive and serious injury, but was still conscious.  Most of the bad-off trauma cases are so bad off that they are either in a coma, or are sedated because they require a ventilator.

Honestly, I don't remember the patient's name, so we'll call him Ryan.  He was my age.  Ryan was my only patient that night because he required such close monitoring, so we spent a lot of time together.  He had made a lot of bad choices in life, and there is nothing like sitting in an ICU bed on the brink of death to make you reevaluate things.

He was understandably very shaken up by the experience of falling from a 4 story building and being impaled on a fence post (see, i told you it was a good trauma).  He spent a lot of time talking about his life, his relationship with his father, various mistakes he'd made, and what he'd like to do differently if he survived this injury.  Mostly he was just processing out loud, and i served as a listening ear while i did my work.

Ryan was a hairy dude.  The kind of guy who starts to show a 5 o'clock shadow around lunchtime.  He had facial hair that started under his eyes and went all the way down his neck.  He was still wearing a C-collar because he had upper extremity parasthesia and was awaiting an MRI to evaluate his spine.  He hadn't been able to shave in 3 days, because he was too busy having his life saved.  His neck was very itchy under the collar and it was really bothering him.  He asked me to give him a shave (he couldn't use his arms to do it himself), to which i said, "Hell no I'm not taking that collar off, because i don't want to be the girl who makes you a quadriplegic."

He kept pestering me about it, and i kept saying no because it was too risky.  An itchy neck versus lifelong spinal cord injury is kind of a no-brainer from a risk-benefit analysis.

Eventually he wore me down, and i consented.  We had a deal that he was absolutely not allowed to move a single muscle while that collar was off, and he would not blame me if he sustained any paralysis as a result of this shave.  I assembled my supplies and we began.  It was a very suspenseful shave.  I pretty much had no idea what i was doing (since i don't shave my face very often), and my hospital-issue razor was very dull.  I was terrified that he would sneeze and sever his spinal cord.  When i finished shaving him and refastened his c-collar, i told him, "Well it's definitely not the best shave you've ever had, but i hope it fixes the itching."

He replied, "It is the best shave i've ever had.  You know why?  Because you did it for me without any thought of what i would do for you in return."

-----------------------------------
Fast-forward several years: I'm a Stay At Home Mom now.  I haven't been a SAHM very long, so i haven't had the time to reorient my identity around being a full-time mom.  A month ago, i was a professional.  My identity was largely defined by doing a super-intense job.  Saving lives.  I believed that my work was noble, and worthy of respect.  So it's confusing to leave such an exceedingly all-consuming field, and instead spend the whole day on the floor with mini-me. 

I was REALLY good at what i did.  I experienced some very exciting and adrenaline-filled situations.  I did work that mattered.  I think, in contrast, about other women my age who have a job, but it's not necessarily a career.  It's not something that defines them, or something they are inspired by.  When they quit their empty, boring job in order to stay home with their darling babies, do they look back?  Do they wonder if they are doing the right thing, or are they 100% gung-ho about staying home?

This past year, i ACHED to be able to stay home.  I wanted it more than anything.  I cried many a brokenhearted tear over it.  I am thoroughly grateful for my change in circumstances, i truly am.  I love that BabyGirl with my whole heart, and it's a delight to see her smile everyday.

But here's the thing.  I believe that i became a nurse because God called me to do so.  He gave me the talents and skills.  He provided for my education, through my parents' generosity.  He gave me the strength to keep going when i was vomited on, pooped on, yelled at, bitten, kicked, sexually harassed, etc.  He predestined me to be a nurse, He called me to be a nurse, He empowered me to be a nurse.

And now it's over.

That's what i'm confused about.  Is He okay that i'm not using those talents anymore?  I mean, He really invested in me, and now i'm done.

I think today i received my answer.  I had just laid the BabyGirl down for her nap, and was walking back to the living room to pick up Every Single Toy We Own from the floor.  Out of nowhere, i heard those words from Ryan, "You're doing it without any thought of what she will do for you in return."

The tasks may be different, but the purpose is the same.  I'm still taking care of a person who can't give me anything back.  I'm not using IV's or ventilators or cardiac monitors to do it, but i hope that God will equip me for this career just like He equipped me for that one.
 

Hot Dog Hair Gel

Are these hot summer days causing you a lot of frizzy fly-aways?  Do you long for voluptuous curls, but can't afford fancy salon hair products?  Then look no further, because the BabyGirl has a solution for you:

Hot Dog Hair Gel!

Here's how it works:

1.  Microwave a hot dog and cut it into non-choking size pieces.
2.  Eat it with your hands.
3.  Periodically while eating, run your fingers through your hair.
4.  When you are "all done!", rub your palms on your high chair tray to pick up any lingering grease.
5.  Run your fingers through your hair again.

Guaranteed to produce an all-day curl or your money back!  After only three days of this hair treatment, the BabyGirl's hair is absolutely frizz-free.  The Hot Dog Hair Gel is infinitely superior to Herbal Essences "Totally Twisted" Curl Scrunching Gel, which the BabyGirl's mama has been using for years.

Hot Dog Hair Gel is sold at all major grocery vendors, so don't delay!  Get yours today!

Our New Life

We have arrived in our new life!

We packed everything up and left the Big City behind, and are so thankful to be here.  A week later, our house is still in complete disarray, but we're thankful nonetheless.  You might have expected this to be the post when i unveil pictures of our new house, but unfortunately you're going to have to keep waiting for that.

The moving experience was long and hard, but fortunately we had no major events.  U-Haul, being who they are, almost didn't give us a truck, but in the end they came to their senses.  Apparently we're rough on movers.  We had hired a team of 4 guys to move us out of our old place and into the truck, but one guy must have heard about our heavy armoire and the 3 flights of stairs, because he decided not to show up.  When we got here, we hired 2 guys to move everything from the truck into our new place, and about an hour into it, one of the guys injured his ankle.  That meant it was just one guy plus Mark moving all our stuff (and we have an unneccessary amount of stuff).

My sister flew up from Atlanta to help me transport the BabyGirl and our two cats.  I never would have survived without her.  I am just in total awe of how loving, how giving, and how hard-working she was.  It is so incredibly humbling to be given a gift that you can never repay.  I'll never forget her kindness.

We also had some huge help on Moving Day from Blake and Emily.  Emily worked like a dog to clean my kitchen, and she was so dang speedy!  She really set an example that i've been trying to live up to.  Multiple times over the past week as i've been doing task after task, i tell myself, "Be fast like Emily!" 

One thing that is so very sad is that we missed David's birthday.  He is the BabyGirl's bff (whether she realizes it or not), and we have treasured our "stare dates" over the past year, and i very much wanted to be able to celebrate him being #1.

Once we arrived here, we began our search for a new church home.  We looked on the internet and selected a candidate.  As we were getting ready on Sunday morning, The Professor joked that it was like going on a first date.  You feel excited and hopeful, but recognize there's a slim chance that it will work out, and most likely you'll have to go on numerous first dates before you find something that sticks.  The church we picked for our first round was called "New Life Community Church."  It's so meaningful on a number of levels.  There is the obvious biblical meaning, that we have new life in Jesus.  But it's significant for The Professor and I because we are here starting a new life.  On the church's website it said, "A place for new beginnings", which fits our situation perfectly!

When the service began and everyone stood up for the singing, i saw that a couple of people in front of us were wearing the church's t-shirt, which had the verse Revelation 21:5 on the back:

And He who sits on the throne said,
"Behold, I am making all things new."

I very nearly started sobbing right then and there.  It felt like a message directly from God to my heart.  All the trials, and suffering, and difficulties, and frustration of the past 1.5 years are over!  The demands of my job, the violating bus ride, the heavy loads up 3 flights of stairs, the night noises on the street that keep you from sleeping - it's all behind me.  He is making all things new.  Yes, life is hard no matter where you are, but a great many of my hardships are no more.

I've thoroughly enjoyed watching ABC's new show Expedition Impossible.  I don't have tv, so i watch it online while i pack, or wash dishes, etc.  It's very inspiring.  One thing i love is that for each and every team that crosses the finish line, the Host Man says to them, "Congratulations!  You made it!  Come in and get some rest."

That is completely what i hear in my soul:  "Congratulations!  You made it!  You were sifted like wheat and you lived to tell about it.  I am making all things new; come and get some rest."

  

The Most Trailer-Trash Yard on the Block

The three of us took a whirlwind trip to visit our new city in order to look for a place to live.  After what felt like a thousand showings, we signed a lease on an adorable, albeit teeny, little blue house!  We are very excited about it.  For the first time in our married lives, we will have a yard!  I'll show you a picture to prove it:  
 

The Professor and I starting making plans for how best to utilize our new yard, and we got a little carried away.  He said, "There isn't any shade in the backyard, so we'll need to get one of those canopy things."
 



And I said, "Well we definitely need patio furniture, because i want to eat dinner outside."
 

"Oh and the neighbors had a great swing; I'd love to have one like it."



"And of course we'll finally get the BabyGirl a pool."












Within a minute or two, we had taken that cute little patch of grass and turned it into the most cluttered backyard on the block!



Ridiculously Good Looking

On the way back from the Women's Retreat, we fulfilled a Retreat tradition and stopped at an outlet mall, where i almost bought this shirt for The Professor:

Why would i buy him this shirt, you ask?  It's simple; because he is really, really ridiculously good looking.  =]

As we were looking at the men's t-shirts, i told my friend Sue that i gave The Professor a shirt that says, "World's Best Husband", to which she said, "Well he is!"  And it's true.

I'm currently very much aware that he is the world's best husband, because we are preparing to move to a new state.  There are two aspects of my personality that make this undertaking very challenging.  1) I am a hopeless procrastinator, and 2) I am not a detail-oriented person.  When there are tedious, detailed tasks to do, and when there are a GREAT MANY tedious, detail oriented tasks, I start to break down.  But my dear husband has already packed about 15 boxes, and we have 3 weeks left.  So when do we think i would start packing if i was in charge?  Probably 2 days before.  But he has already packed about 300 books.  He's the best.

In other news, the BabyGirl is still cute.  She has now mastered walking to the extent that it is no big deal to her, so in order to keep herself challenged she has developed more advanced skills for herself to practice.  And to watch her perform these skills, by the look on her face she believes herself to be quite the daredevil!  These are her Advanced Walking Skills:

1.  Walking on her tip-toes
2.  Walking backwards
3.  Putting a bucket over her head and walking without being able to see
4.  Stepping over high objects while walking
5.  Balancing on one leg
6.  Marching in place (this is the precursor to jumping.  When we say, "Jump!" and we jump up and down to demonstrate, she thinks she is jumping but really she's just marching in place.)

As a sidenote to #4, she always makes sure to hold someone's hand if she is stepping over something too high to get her leg over.  The Professor was sitting on the floor, leaning his back against the couch, with his arm resting on the couch.  She walked over to him, grabbed his hand, and brought it over to where she was, so that she could hold his hand while stepping over his leg.
 

Sometimes You Get What You Need

We've been singing a particular song around our house recently, maybe you've heard of it.  It's "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones.  You see, The Professor and I went away for a romantic weekend for our 7 year anniversary, and the BabyGirl's grandparents came to stay with her.  They loved her and squeezed her and spoiled her rotten, such that when we came back she had a hard time understanding why we wouldn't give her every little thing she wanted, exactly when she wanted it.  In order to help her through the confusion of readjusting back to normal life, we sang her that song.

And it was kind of fitting for The Professor and I too.  We wanted certain things that we didn't get.  And like the BabyGirl, we had a hard time understanding why it wasn't being given to us.  Also like the BabyGirl, we cried when we didn't get it.

But as the song goes,

If you try sometimes
You just might find --
You get what you need!

And that's what happened!  The Professor got a job!

So all the hopes and dreams and what-if's that were crushed in late May are now suddenly granted.  We will move to a suburban setting, he will work full-time, and i will stay home with the BabyGirl!

It's very surreal, and i can't fully comprehend it.  A quote from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory keeps playing in my head.  Willie Wonka says, "But Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted . . . He lived happily ever after."

As it turned out, I submitted my 2 weeks notice at work yesterday, and my last day was today.  I have long been scheduled for vacation at the end of this week and all of next week, so i won't even be at work for 1.5 of my last 2 weeks.  Which is a huge blessing from a pack-up-and-move standpoint, but a big letdown from a finding-closure-with-work-friends standpoint.  Most of my conversations went like this:

Me: Guess what, I'm moving away!
Dr Bob: Really, where?
Me: [Town that i'm moving to].
Dr Bob: That's great?  When is your last day?
Me:  Today!
Dr Bob [with bewilderment]:  Um, okay . . . ?

I have a mountain of thoughts and feelings about retiring from my very intense profession, with 2 days notice, after doing it for 8 years.  Truth be told, I'm pretty dang good at what i do, and i have saved many lives.  I love a good cardiac arrest more than anyone should.  My favorite thing is being able to act quickly and decisively in the midst of an emergency.  That job has sucked the life out of me more times than not, but it was my act of service and my way to make a difference.

Now, just like that, it's over. 

The Professor and i, with the BabyGirl, are beginning a new stage of life.  Like my sister said in a post you must read, we are turning.  I have done a lot of spinning around the past year, but it has been haphazard and frenetic.  I did not keep my eyes fixed on the Solid Rock, and i did not remain steady.  But now we have a fresh beginning.  This time i hope to turn correctly.  This time i hope to turn around to the place just right.
  

What do you mean, the kitties don't speak English?

It's so fascinating to me to watch the process of a baby learning language.  The skill is a combination of so many different things.  First there is the physiological process of making sound by moving air through one's vocal cords, and all the numerous elements that into that.  And also is the mental process of recognizing what language signifies.  Certain objects have specific sounds associated with them.  But then once you get past simply naming objects, you learn that invisible things have names too, like "I love you."  I just think the whole thing is so interesting!

Anyway, now that we've gotten the nerdy stuff out of the way, let's move on to the cuteness.  The BabyGirl is in a stage where she immitates every sound she hears.  She doesn't imitate the sound with 100% accuracy, but it's clear enough that you know she's trying, and it's adorable.  When the timer goes off on the microwave, she says, "Beep! Beep!"  When she throws a ball on the floor, she says, "Boom!"

She jibber-jabbers almost all the time.  As she's walking around our condo, or while she's on the floor playing, she keeps up a continuous string of babble.  During a Skype session recently, her Grandpa commented, "Aww, she's really trying to talk!"  The BabyGirl's response to that comment, however, would be, "I'm not TRYING to talk, Grandpa.  I AM talking."  Most of the time she acts as if the things she says make perfect sense.  She'll look me right in the eye and give a long string of sounds, and then pause to wait for my response.  When i don't respond in a timely fashion, she gives a big huff and goes away.

The three of us were at Target the other day and we got into a "Crazy Noises Contest."  It went like this: the BabyGirl said something (in babytalk) totally crazy sounding, and generally pretty loudly.  Then i would make some crazy noises, and we'd go back and forth.  It was hilarous!

During the process of imitating sounds, the thing that we laugh about the most is when she mimics the kitties.  When they say, "Mah-row," she says "mah-row" too!  She copies all the noises they make.  The Professor and i were talking about it, and realized that she has no way to discriminate between the sounds we teach her and the sounds the kitties teach her.  As far as she is concerned, "eye," "book," and "mah-row" are all ligitimate words!  She might be disappointed one day when she finds out that the kitties don't speak our language, and here she is trying so hard to talk like them.
 

Maybe Someday We'll Figure All This Out

Will one of you please distract The Professor so that he doesn't notice I'm not in bed right now?

It's way past my bedtime, and tomorrow i'm going to be whining about how tired i am.  But i can't go to sleep yet, there's something i need to write real quick.  Except i have a feeling that it won't truly be quick.  Twelve minute blog post, my foot!  I can't write anything in less than an hour.

Since i last wrote, i have done a lot of awesome things.  I went to Tennessee for my sister's college graduation, we had a fun Memorial Day Weekend, and i celebrated my 30th birthday.  I've really been wanting to write to you about all these events, but haven't been able to because -

Also in the intervening time since i wrote, we received the devastating news that The Professor once again was turned down for a full-time job.  That means that on three different occasions this semester, The Professor made it to the Top Two candidates out of hundreds of applicants, but the job went to the Other [aka Older] Guy.  90% of you reading this cannot fully comprehend the significance of what this means to us, and also how deeply it affects us.  And this is a quick blog post, remember?  So we won't take the time to explain it to you fully.

Basically the past 3 weeks have been filled with crying and complete loss of hope, interspersed with Big Events That Distract You From Your Real Life.  The weekend of my birthday was like a parallel universe.  I was there, and my friends were there, and it was the same city, but it wasn't real life.  Then on Monday morning when you are back in real life, it's confusing to be so deeply and painfully sad, because the day before you were happy and free and having a great time.

The Professor and I had a long conversation about it this afternoon.  We reached no conclusions during our discussion, and found no answers.  It was helpful to talk through some things, and he made some good points.   

After our conversation, we were so pleased to have an impromptu Great Family Night.  The three of us spent some quality time together with good laughs.  We grilled hamburgers for dinner.  I was hanging out in the kitchen while The Professor was on the porch grilling, and the BabyGirl twirled in circles like a ballerina.  Except she doesn't know the trick of keeping your head pointed at a fixed object like ballerinas do, so she gets dizzy very quickly and falls over in a heap.

We were listening to music, and the song "Someday" by Rob Thomas came on.  It expresses how i'm feeling, and i want to share it with you.  On my first draft of this quick blog post (ha! a quick post shouldn't have multiple drafts), i went into a detailed analysis of the song and why it's meaningful to me in this moment.  I'm going through a prolonged stage of uncertainty, and i honestly don't know if i will survive in one piece.   

Here are the lyrics:

And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
And try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday


Now of course you need to listen to the song for the words to make sense!

 

Normal Day

The things that i currently NEED to be doing:

• Packing for my trip tomorrow
• Setting out the BabyGirl's food for tomorrow
• Washing a mountain of dishes

The things that i currently WANT to be doing:

• Play Zoo Tycoon
• Play Zoo Tycoon
• Play Zoo Tycoon

Writing a blog post seems like a good alternative.  It is more productive than playing Zoo Tycoon, but not as important as the bonafide tasks, so it's the perfect balance of indulgence and industry.  I've had a very emotional week.  I've had a very emotional day.  Writing helps me unwind, but right now i don't know what to say.  You know?  Writing feels good, but i don't know what to write.

My Granddaddy, who is now with Jesus, was a man that i greatly admire.  He loved the Lord with an undivided heart.  He used to talk about what he called "pivotal moments."  Pivotal moments are those times in life when you face a challenge that defines who you will become.  When you have to choose the wide or the narrow.  As Robert Frost put it, when two roads diverge in a yellow wood. 

It's like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book.  Decisions you make in Chapter One determine which course you follow, and whether you live or die on the last page.  I read a C.S. Lewis book years ago and remember a sentence that said that the devil wants us always thinking about the past or the future, but never the present.

That's me.  Always the past, always the future.  Being angry over the circumstances of April 2010.  Being worried about the upcoming school year.  Letting the pain of yesterday and anxiety about tomorrow taint the joy of today.

Today i have a roof over my head.  Today i have enough food to eat.  Today my bills are paid.  Today there was sunshine (it only lasted for about 45 minutes but it was sunshine nonetheless).  Today i had giggles and smiles and snuggles.  Today i have love.

Today i was shown tremendous grace by two extraordinary friends.  Today a friend said to me, "I believe that God loves us relentlessly, therefore I'm going to love you relentlessly until you turn to Him."  Another friend also showed me great love by saying, "I forgive you" to the many wrongs I've committed against her.

I feel like those two conversations were pivotal in my journey.  We won't know for certain until I'm 80 years old.  My huge fear is that my current trajectory will cause me to be an old woman who is bitter, defeated, and isolated.  Hopefully today's events opened the door just enough to let a tiny ray of light through.  If i follow that light, I can become an old woman whose life is filled with grace, love, and peace.

I've had a song in my head today.  I'm embarrassed to tell you what it is, because it's not as deep and insightful as you would hope for.  But it's the foolish things that shame the wise, so here we go.  From that great philosopher Bob Marley, i give you:

"Don't worry
about a thing
cause every little thing
gonna be alright!"

(listen to it here)

Sort of Like "Five Things That Happened This Week"

Hello friends!

I am now recovered from my bout of cholera, but being out of commission for 6 days put me behind on most life activities.  I've been itching to write something on here, but have been swamped with getting my household back on track.  So i thought we'd do a little "5 Things That Happened This Week", but i was having a hard time organizing my week into 5 events, so i'll just give you a quick run down on each of us.  We'll start with the BabyGirl since she's the cutest.

1.  BabyGirl - She FINALLY seems to have finished with her Difficult Phase, which lasted for about 2 months.  The Professor commented that she can do so much more now than she could 3 weeks ago.  And it's true!  She has changed a lot.  There's the one obvious achievement, that she can walk, but there are a lot of little things too.  The second half of the week she has been the sweetest little angel.  She is a very funny person and she makes me laugh a lot.  She can make some really funny faces. 

She is starting to focus on language.  She points at an object to get you to say it's name, for example, "button."  She intently studies your mouth as you say it, and then she tries to repeat the word.  She has quite the attention span for it.  After about the 20th consecutive time of saying "button" for her, I'm ready to do something else, but she's still focused.  I never noticed before how many of the words that a baby would want to learn are all 2 syllables and end with "y".  Kitty, Daddy, Tummy, Piggie (aka toes).  It would be very confusing.  There are a few "b" words that she's practicing right now: book, button, ball.  She pretty much just says "buh" for all of them.

There are times when she just up and gets the giggles with no apparent explanation.  It's so funny!  Sometimes you can't even tell what set her off, but once she gets the giggles then anything and everything you do is hilarious to her.  Yesterday The Professor was holding her, and i made a motion to take her from him, and she shrugged me off like, "Don't touch me."  I took her anyway, and then once i was holding her i reenacted her shrugging motion, and she died laughing.  The Professor and I both did it over and over, and the three of us just stood there and laughed till our sides hurt.

2.  The Professor - This week was crazy for him.  It was final exams and all the related end-of-semester tasks.  Once he finished grading finals, he plunged headfirst into preparing for his interview next week.  In the midst of all that, he did a little handyman work by fixing the microwave.  The handle came off last week.  He called the company to order a new one, and at the end of the transaction the person asked if he'd also like to get their Super Duper Microwave Cleaning Solution.  Now normally we don't hold with these kind of gimmicks, but you haven't seen the inside of our microwave.  This was different from my Fabric Store experience, in which the lady was a total quacko and trying to sell something completely unnecessary.  The Professor was honestly impressed with this tactic.  If you are calling to order a replacement part, then clearly you've had the appliance for a number of years.  And if you've had it for a number of years, then it's probably dirty.  And if you have to take the time to fix it, why not go ahead and clean it?  So that is how we came to be the proud owners of Super Duper Microwave Cleaning Solution.  And boy does that thing sparkle now.  Whether it's a testament to the cleaning solution or to The Professor's skills, we'll never know.

This week was the series finale of the show Smallville.  The Professor has a long history with Smallville.  The show started when we were in college, and a group of our friends was really into it.  We would all get together to watch it in Allison's room.  I myself wasn't that interested in the show, but it was an excuse to be able to see The Professor.  Our college was an absolutely no co-ed dorms type situation.  The boys were barely allowed to so much as look at a female dorm as they walked on the sidewalk in front of it.  That's why it was a big deal to watch a tv show in mixed company, in a dorm room.  Apparently The Professor and I continued this hobby of Smallville during the year that he lived here and i lived in Atlanta.  Apparently we watched it on tv at the same time and called each other on the commercial breaks.  I have no memory of this.  I believe it to be true and it sounds like just the sort of sappy thing we would do; it just can't remember doing it.  Several years ago i quit the show Smallville because it got very silly.  The Professor, however, has remained loyal, because that is the kind of person he is.  Once he makes a commitment or gets involved with something, he never turns back.  For years i have been making fun of the show, and he has been faithfully watching it.  This week was the much-needed end to the show.  The Professor asked me if i wanted to watch the last-ever episode with him, and i couldn't understand why he thought i would do such a thing, until he reminded me of our history with it, and of the fact that we watched it together long distance.  Even so, i didn't watch it with him. 

3.  Me - The first few days of this week i had the dysentery, and the next few days after that i was recovering, and the next few days i was fine.  It took me longer than expected to get my strength and appetite back.  Before i got sick, when the BabyGirl had it, i was telling some friends at work that she was sick.  One lady has a baby nephew who lives with her, so we always ask each other about our babies.  When she heard about the BabyGirl's diarrhea, she said right away without hesitation, "I'll bet you she's teething!"  This was very confusing to me.  I've taken a couple of anatomy classes, and i don't remember learning that the tooth bone is connected to the poop bone.  I gave it some thought, and it just didn't make physiological sense.  She wouldn't give it up though, "Call your husband, tell him to look in her mouth, and i'll bet you she's teething!" Well when i wound up getting sick, i missed a week of work, so it was a while before i saw her again.  First thing in the morning, she said, "So is she teething?"  I explained to her that while, yes, the BabyGirl is teething, the fact that i caught it from her and had it for 6 days makes it seem unlikely that teething was the cause. 

She seemed unconvinced.

Another thing for me is that i nannied for David on Thursday!  We had a lot of fun.  This time went WAY better than last time.  I lost David at one point (don't tell Laura!).  He can sort of scoot around but not very adeptly.  I had left him in a big open space in The Room Formerly Known As The Living Room while i got something from the kitchen.  I told the BabyGirl, "You're in charge of David for a minute."  When i came back, he was gone!  This used to happen a lot when the BabyGirl started crawling, so you'd think i'd learn my lesson.  Fortunately, he was hiding behind a huge bag of clothes that Hannah gave me.  Crisis averted!

I fell into a bad habit this week.  I started playing Zoo Tycoon again.  It happened when i didn't have the energy to do anything but was bored of the internet (and you know you've spent too much time on the internet when you run out of things to do).  Zoo Tycoon was the perfect solution; all you have to move is your index finger.  It occupies your mind just enough that you aren't bored, but isn't as much work as reading a book.  I used to be obsessed with this game during my nightshift days.  It kept me awake til 5am many times.  It was the perfect solution then too.  I needed something that would keep me up all night long but not make any noise since The Professor was sleeping.  You can't vacuum or wash dishes in the middle of the night, but you can play Zoo Tycoon!  I remember many lonely nights, trying to survive until 5am when i was allowed to go to bed.  It was my brother who got me hooked on this game, and it gave us a common bond.  Now he's older and much more cool. 

And that's a wrap, folks!  Thanks for listening.
 

Mother's Day Dysentery

I clearly have to renounce my title of Mommy The Destroyer, because i caught the BabyGirl's sick tummy.

Fortunately, with the BabyGirl it only lasted 48 hours.  With me, we are going on Day 5.  All my symptoms point to cholera, but i think the more reasonable explanation is rotavirus.  I was interested to discover in my research today that diarrhea is the most common cause of missed work in the developed world and a leading cause of death in the developing world (Diskin, 2009).

In a 6-day period we made 5 trips to the grocery for:

1) Pedialyte and jello (when the BabyGirl developed symptoms)

2) whole milk and BRAT diet supplies (when the BabyGirl improved and realized she LOVES toast)
3) Gatorade, ginger ale, and sorbet (when i became sick)
4) Potatoes and other bland starches (when i was hungry after 3 days of not eating and felt adventurous enough to try solid food)
5) More Gatorade (when it became apparent that i was not ready for solid food after all)

I am very disappointed that my cholera kept me from participating in the RPCC Rummage Sale as much as i wanted, and also ruined Mother's Day.  I really wanted to go to church because sometimes they have an open mic sharing time on Mother's Day, and i had prepared something very eloquent to say.  It was a gorgeous sunny day.  But alas, i had to quarantine myself to a distance of 10 steps from the toilet.

The Professor was as sweet and nuturing as you could ever hope for.  He bought me beautiful flowers for Mother's Day.  I am very glad that it's me who is sick instead of him.  I'm allowed to miss work, but he isn't.  Particularly the week before and during final exams. 

One exciting thing about today was that ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball featured game was the Braves vs Phillies!  This means that you can watch the game live online.  And, the Braves won!  It's particularly important to win against the Phillies.

My mother suggested that next Sunday we have a Mother's Day II, which i think is a great idea.  More flowers for me!!!

 

Mother's Day is Coming

It is Episode 12 of season 22 of Survivor. 

The castaways have been living in the jungle for 30 days.

Mike, a former Marine who served in Iraq, has been voted out of the tribe and is now living on Redemption Island, where he takes place in challenges in order to remain in the game.  On this particular challenge, the competitors are told that the winner will receive time with a family member.

Mike wins the challenge and they bring out his mother, Jane.  But before he is allowed to hug her, Jeff Probst gives him a choice to make.  Mike can either 1) spend the afternoon with his mom, 2) forgo time with his mom, and instead allow his 2 fellow Redemption Island buddies to spend time with their loved ones, or 3) forgo time with his mom and give time with loved ones to the 6 people still in the game (who incidentally voted him out). 

Here is the scene -
-------------------------------------------------
Jeff Probst:  Very big, potentially million-dollar decision.  Take me through the thought process.

Mike:  The decision is almost clear in my head.  Yesterday i was reading, it was either Matther or Mark, and Jesus was asked, of all the commandments, what are the greatest.  He responded, "Love your brother like you would love yourself."  So i think, if i give the most good to the most people, and make friends from enemies, i think that's the only play here.

Jeff Probst:  Let me make sure i'm clear on what you're doing.  You're giving up your love for your mom, and you are giving it to the 6 people who single-handedly decimated your tribe.

Mike: Yes.

Jeff Probst:  I gotta tell you, i thought the odds of that happening were less than zero.  Jane[Mike's Mom], does this decision surprise you?

Mike's Mom:  [with tears] No.  This is who my son is.  He is a hero.  Honey, I'm so very proud of you.
-------------------------------------------------

I bawled my eyes out.

What an amazing man.  What an amazing mother.
   

Extra Smooches

This story fall into the category of Things You Judge Other Parents For Before You Actually Have Kids.

A family we are friends with is constantly sick with a stomach bug.  The cumulative amount of puking that has taken place in that household in the 5 years since their oldest child was born gives me the heeby-jeebies.  I have always thought, "What is the deal with those people?  Have they not heard of handwashing?"  I always assumed that either their infection control practices are very poor, or that the whole lot of them have a rare defect in their DNA that predisposes them to gastoenteritis.

And now, here i am in the midst of the BabyGirl's very first sick tummy. 

When The Professor or the BabyGirl get sick, i morph into Conan the Destroyer.  The old Emergency Room adrenaline gets flowing and i start muttering things like, "This patient isn't going to die on my watch." 

This sick tummy is of the lower GI category, aka diarrhea.  Or, as The Professor described it to me on the phone while i was at work, "acid diarrhea."  I'll spare you further details, but it is heartbreaking.  Her poor little bottom was in a lot of distress.  I needed to stop by the grocery on my way home from work anyway, so while i was there i picked up some sick tummy supplies.  I thought to myself, "Why couldn't this be a cold instead?"  It's easier to psych yourself up mentally to deal with a cold.  You get out the humidifier and the bulb suction and the vaporub and get down to business.

The Professor did a fabulous job of nuturing her thru Day 1, during which she wouldn't eat anything.  By the end of the day she was weak and listless and so tragically snuggly.  Snuggly is always good, but when they want to snuggle because they're sick there's just something eery about it.  She tried to play with a toy, realized she didn't have it in her, heaved a big sigh, and laid her head down on his lap.

I am on duty for Day 2.  Our treatment plan involves Pedialyte, jello, snuggling, and extra smooches (above and beyond her normal daily quota).  She still doesn't want to eat, but we did manage to progress from liquids to toast!  In the early afternoon she looked like she was making a comeback, but it was a false alarm because she had lots of trouble in the evening.  It all started to unravel after her afternoon nap.  I felt like i didn't have time to take care of her because i was too busy taking care of her!  We even tried to break the rules and do things she normally isn't allowed to do, but that didn't work either.

I used to think that if a baby\young child gets a GI bug, then the mother is personally to blame.  It obviously was a result of a lapse in Contact Precautions.  Once a child is school-age then all bets are off, but while they are home under your care it is your job to protect them.  But now, despite my best efforts, my BabyGirl has a sick tummy.  I can't think of a single place where she would have gotten it, and i've spent WAY too much time analyzing this.  Nonetheless, no stomach bug is a match for Mommy the Destroyer!